Archive for March, 2010

Of Recent and Not-so-recent Events.

Besides the pain and peril I’m going through now that medical school is ending in merely a few weeks’ time, I should also share the fact that I’m helplessly smitten these days.

Last time I was all head over heels for a guy was probably 4-5 years ago, back when I was young and stupid, out fresh from boarding school. I fell for a prick, no less, and God I fell hard. Geez, I would probably still be with him now if only he had put in a lil more effort and if I didn’t play hard-to-get one time too many.

He was the typical middle-class Malay boy with a residential-school education whose life’s ambition is to earn good money through an engineering career, drive a big car, and would go on to marry a soft-spoken Malay girl in tudung, waiting hand and foot at home for him. And I was the loud, foul-mouthed woman with sky-high ambitions and no signs of slowing down. That probably challenged/scared him a lil bit too much, but I guess we were both way too young to figure it all out anyway.

And he didn't speak Ingerlund so well, so that kinda turned me off too. Heh heh.

To say I was heartbroken back then is an overstatement, because when we parted ways I was actually beginning to hate the person that he was becoming. Sure, I was mildly wounded for a while but he was definitely a lesson learned, and I thank God for that one encounter as it made me wiser (really?) in considering potential suitors.

How’s that for closure? Heh.

So now that I’m emotionally more stable *ehem*, and all matured with crystal clear goals and guided ambitions, I might’ve just opened up to a man who could possibly make me fall head over heels again.

Now he is the complete opposite of a man I’ve always thought I would be dating. He may even be a breath of fresh air, because he’s just so different in a lot of ways. He’s no softie, but he’s not the things that traditionally defines a man, you know – sports and cars and cock-talk and all the other shit that comes with it.

But what defines a man, really? What if he’s all manly but he didn’t actually have the guts to ask you out because he’s afraid that you’ll outsmart him and makes him feel like the lesser person in the relationship? What if he looks all rough and plays rugby (or other contact sports, please insert here) but he doesn’t give a shit when his woman just wants to be held because she’s had a rough day?

What if this macho man tells you he loves you, but behind your back he has his own set of Teman Tapi Mesra and he tells girls that he’s actually single? What if this ambitious man who had made a promise that he would make an honest woman out of you chickened out halfway just because he feels like it? I’d say, suck your balls, pegi mampus lah wey buat perempuan macam tu.

Wah bitter siot. Ini semua kisah benar, tak tipu punya.

So my point is, this guy is more of a man than most guys I know will ever be. At least he’s got the courage to try and pursue me. I’ve gotten way too many remarks over the years that guys were too intimidated to date me, so it’s nice to know that someone’s  growing out of his insecurities and is working his way slowly to my heart. Haha. Ayat cam haram ok.

Anyway, we’ve been good friends for years and he just knows me too well. In recent months he has made me happy in ways that I sometimes could not comprehend. You know, butterflies and all that jazz? Sometimes it scares the shit outta me too because it just feels so right and I can’t help but wonder if this is IT? And help me God I know this is corny gile babs, but I haven’t felt this happy for a long, long time.

I just hope he knows how he makes me feel, because I simply suck at showing it despite kononnya being a self-professed hopeless romantic. It had been ingrained since my earlier years that if I was being too expressive I would look easy. And weak, which is the last thing a hard-headed, hardcore professional woman would wanna portray herself as.

But hey, life is too short to be playing hard-to-get (again), and trust me I’m not. Maybe I’ve mellowed, too. Which isn’t a bad thing, to say the least.

Now it’s a bit premature to tell if he is the real deal, so I’m just going to cherish what we have for now and see where it will take us. I heard that some people are giving him a hard time, but it only matters what I think of him and I can safely say that I am proud of the man he’s becoming. 🙂

OK I can’t believe I actually spent like the last half an hour writing this piece of shit. I applaud you if you’ve actually read up till here, kih kih. Well I don’t usually put up my emotions on display, not in this blog anyway, but today is just one those days, y’know. Screw it.

And I hope he doesn't read this. -____-

Baiklah I need to study Obstetrics prontoooo. Bye2.


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